First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead.

"Excellent" says the trainer. Next up are the army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer. Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect headed straight for you" etc.

After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the **** do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer.

"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.

"Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, so I'm a bloody rabbit..."

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. - See? 1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No .... it's because you're 25."

from The New Yorker:
DO NOT REMOVE FROM VISOR
by Bruce McCall
Issue of 2004-08-02
Posted 2004-07-26

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply Whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.

Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from Hades, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
01. Wrap it in bacon.

Your new sport-utility vehicle (S.U.V.) should automatically roll over in sharp turns and in changes of direction. Important: Never open a door during a rollover situation; contact with pavement could cause paint scratches and scrapes, which are not covered under your limited warranty.

You will know that a rollover situation has occurred when all the blood rushes to your head and no sky is visible out the windows.

caution: Driving at low speeds increases the risk of not rolling over. Always drive your new S.U.V. at double the posted speed limit.

Your new S.U.V. is designed to give you the choice of passing over the tops of smaller cars, motorcycles, and bicycles that are blocking your lane. Reminder: A small car may snag on the S.U.V.’s undercarriage during such a maneuver. If scraping noises persist, stop, step out of the vehicle, and examine the undercarriage for damage.

warning: Dragging a small car underneath your new S.U.V. could cause not only irritating noises but also friction between the S.U.V. and the road, which may slow you down. If a small car or other object has entangled itself in the chassis of your S.U.V., press firmly on the accelerator pedal and rapidly shift the transmission between Drive and Reverse to create a rocking motion until the small car is disengaged.

Your new S.U.V. utilizes the smallest possible total braking surface area for slow deceleration. Hard braking on rough or wet road surfaces should produce fishtailing and skidding. Important: In a skid, your S.U.V. will automatically spin in a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree loop or a series of loops. Do not attempt to correct this action by turning the steering wheel in the direction of the skid, as this could interrupt the spinning process and reduce collision risks.

As with any oversized and overweight vehicle, parking your new S.U.V. is easy if you disregard rearview mirrors and conventional “back and fill” strategies. Maneuver strictly by feel and by sound. Resistance encountered when backing into a parking space can be eliminated by your new S.U.V.’s overwhelming mass and engine power. Simply keep the accelerator pedal depressed until you feel no more resistance and all metallic sounds have ceased.

Your new S.U.V. is designed with the minimum number of safety features as standard equipment.

Advisory: There is no need to pick a fight with your spouse or drink three quarts of beer before driving your new S.U.V. Road rage is built in. Your new S.U.V. is designed to give the driver an illusion of supreme potency and invincibility at all times and in all traffic conditions. This can be diminished by courteous or passive driving habits.

Remember: The other driver is the enemy. Always pass on the right, block other vehicles from passing you, tailgate other vehicles until they yield or are pushed aside, avoid using the turn-signal indicator, and never slow down.

Fuel-Saving Warning: Maintaining a steady cruising speed below seventy m.p.h. will result in a higher miles-per-gallon figure than the S.U.V. average. Danger: Conserving fuel risks reducing running costs and maximizing benefits to the environment. If your fuel gauge does not move quickly from Full to Empty, your new S.U.V. is probably not burning fuel fast enough. This can result from persistently smooth, slow, careful driving. If the condition is not corrected by employing sudden stops and starts and by maintaining an average speed of at least one hundred m.p.h., see your authorized dealer.

God went down to Eden to see how Adam was getting on.
"What do you think of life Adam"said God.
"Well" said Adam "It's quite hard work and a little boring and, well, just a little lonely too".
"Don't worry" declared God "I've been working on a solution to all these problems. I'm going to create a Woman. She'll wash and cook for you and she'll have sex with you whenever you want. Infact she'll do everything you can imagine".
"That sounds great" said Adam "but how much will this Woman cost me?"
"I was thinking an arm and a leg" answered God
"That sounds a bit steep, - what can I get for a rib?"

They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.
One of the boys asked, "What's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

The First Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was:
"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, - wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why DID you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is a reassurance in this story:

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know that I love you even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion willaccept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Garden and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.

And the cat didn't care one way or the other.